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Jessica’s Journey: Part 8- An Open Letter to Our Second Angel Baby

Updated: Apr 3, 2022





February 19, 2017

To Our Little Peanut,


I really thought my next open letter would be to our rainbow baby. The baby that survived following our last miscarriage. To my extreme sadness, this letter is not that. On February 4th, 2017, we found out we were 4 weeks pregnant for you. I'll never forget the instant tears and placing my hand on my stomach, telling you how much we loved you begging you to stay with us. I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you, I just wanted you to stay so badly. The longer time went on, the more confident we were that you really were going to be with us always. We had your names picked out and constantly talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be for you. We talked to you everyday and your daddy always put his hand over you so you knew how much loved you too. We even got to see early stages of you on an ultrasound which made it that much more real. Your picture was posted on my screen saver and on our shelf. I just wanted to see you any chance I could. I even started taking baby bump pictures just to soak it all in.


On February 17th, our whole world changed leaving us devastated. You gained your little angel wings that day and 3 days later, I still can't believe you’re gone. I feel so empty inside and just want you back to I can tell you how much I love you over and over again. I am so mad and don't know who or what to direct it at. I was mad at God and I felt so guilty for feeling so. I just didn't get how he could give you to me and then take you away. I was mad at myself for getting so attached and not being cautious. I was also bitter. Why do others get to experience pregnancy with no issues and we have had not 1 but 2 miscarriages. That heartache is unbearable and to experience it twice? I would't wish it on my worst enemy.

I miss you so much.


What I won't do is what I did last year. We first miscarried and I kept pushing forward because I didn't want to feel unhappy, which resulted in a year of sorrow because I never allowed myself to process it. I am going to cry when I'm sad, say when I think it's unfair, and grieve your loss because I have to. You also deserve to be grieved. You deserve the world. I am not going to insert the fact that I had a miscarriage again in conversations about babies. I'm done being so public about it. This post is going nowhere. I'll submit it and that will be it, because it's therapeutic but I won't share it because I don't want to anymore. I'm keeping you to myself and for those who knew we were pregnant. I hope you understand.


Our little precious, angel, please know how much you were and will always be loved. I will pray for you everyday and cannot wait for the day I meet with you again and can hold you in my arms. No matter where life takes us, you will always be our sweet baby and nothing can change that. You are and will always be in my heart and will always have a piece of it.


My love always,

Mom

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