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Infertility Series: Frozen in Time - Part 3



June 1st, 2020

It was March 16th and all of us at the office were told we would be working from home until further notice. The number of Covid-19 numbers were rising and it was evident, we were in the middle of a pandemic. My boss had us each come into his office to discuss what this new work-life would look like and I started crying. It had nothing to do with work, but I had an IVF transfer scheduled that Friday and was terrified this date I’ve prepared for would never happen.


March 20th

We were actually one of the fortunate ones and were not turned away. We had to wear masks and were told of the risks, but were allowed to go through with it. I wore my lucky pineapple socks, a pineapple shirt, and listened to catchy tunes the whole way to Grand Rapids. We were greeted right away and had our temperatures checked. Once we passed the screening, we were lead to our room. They showed us a picture of our beautiful embryos and began the transfer. The whole process was so surreal. Here these two babies were, thawed after being frozen in time for 4 years and then transferred into me. Talk about pressure, right? Seeing them on the ultrasound, once they were transferred, was truly every emotion - love, fear, excitement, and longing. We loved them instantly. Immediately after, we got our McDonald’s French fries and were on our way home. Now we would wait.


Day Ten

With IVF, you don’t pee on a stick. I mean, you can, but the blood test is what really shows you if it worked. I will never forget falling to my knees and crying to my husband when we found out we were pregnant and had great levels. I couldn’t believe it. I finally felt like I could breath. We had to wait 48 hours to make sure my numbers doubled. This was huge for us. All three of our prior pregnancies has never resulted in doubling levels. I needed this to double. Once again, after finding out they more than doubled, I cried. This was real.


Week 6

I think I took 5 tests in between week 4 and 6. I just had to know everything was ok. By the time we got to our 6 week ultrasound, I was convinced something was going to go wrong. Even as I was laying on the bed, waiting to see our babies, I was terrified. Fortunately, I saw something. It wasn’t the two we transferred, and I prayed for that little one that didn’t make it, but there was a beautiful baby growing with a strong, fighting heartbeat. I cried again; it was another step we had never gotten to and once again, I could breath. Two weeks later, we would see him again and be reassured with another strong heartbeat and a healthy growing baby with arms and legs. This tiny life was telling me he was here.


Unexpected

What I didn’t expect was the amount of fear that would ensue. I always assumed once we were pregnant, that would be it. I am 13 weeks in two days and, although it gets better, still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn’t know my experiences before would shape how I am now. The thing is, I don’t want them to. I want to embrace and know this baby is ok. I’ve learned to breath, pray, and am heavily involved in fertility yoga. My mind is getting better and my heart is open. Open to this pregnancy and this miracle life growing inside me. Since our 8 week appointment, I have been able to hear his beautiful heart beat 2 more times, and we took a blood test to find out his gender. Henry, my boy, you are already so loved.


There is still more work to do to ease my mind, but each day I fully intend to embrace this blessing and give it all to God. We were set on this path for a reason and deep down, I know it will work out. Until then, it’s time to let this belly bump show and continue chowing down on salt and carbs.


Until next time <3





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